dear etsy : august edition

Hi Etsy.

It’s August. Hottest month of the whole year, at least in these parts. And while you haven’t disappointed in the “hot” item category, you have displayed items recently that would fit right in with News of the Weird. What’s the deal? Is August creep month? I thought that was reserved for October.

Couldn’t wait to share these oddities with my friends. Not because they’ll buy, but because it’s too crazy to not pass along.

love, allison

Cabbage Patch Ear Muffs by Rogue Retro. These things make my skin crawl, but someone couldn’t live without them; they’ve already sold! Personally, I think it’s pretty sick to walk around with two baby faces with yarn hair adorning each ear. Are standard ear muffs not warm enough for your tender ears? I worry that people might be confused as to which set of eyes they should look at while you’re speaking. If my opinion is wrong and you can’t wait to get a pair; send me a photo if you pull the trigger.

Crowning Glory Necklace by aminyitray. At first glance, I was convinced these were real teeth, pulled from a real mouth, and mounted on a real necklace. Whew. After reading, I discovered they’re fake teeth, made from porcelain, and were used by dentists back in the day to help patients select a shade for their new teeth (dentures?). Still pretty gross. This would definitely freak out your kids if they still believe in the Tooth Fairy.

Brisket Flip Flop by SoleSensations. Doesn’t this look real?! I’m sure this is just a piece of art and is not meant as a foot protector, but it’s pretty impressive. And strange. The guy behind this sandwich/brisket sandal has created a whole line of interesting shoes, everything from candy dish stilettos to candelabra wedges. This one’s still my fav. Maybe it’s the fake bacon.

Hand Knitted Armchair Slip Cover by BiscuitScout. Okay, so this isn’t crazy, but isn’t it somewhat bizarre that someone would spend hours upon days knitting an intricate sweater for a chair? Yes, bet it’s cozy, but wouldn’t it also feel like you were perpetually sitting against someone’s chest? Wouldn’t that thing be insanely hot in the summer? Plus, wouldn’t you have to watch out for moths? The smell of those things make me nauseous. So does this chair.

Custom Kitty Stole by CatTingles. This freaks me out. It’s a felted wool colored cat stole scarf thing dangling around this woman’s neck. I get that it’s supposed to be a throw back to the furs women wore in the 40s, but really, a fake cat? Or two, as in the case of this photo. I’ve never met any felines whose bodies are normally shaped like this, and I’ve never met a sane human who would want one of these. Unless it was a weird gag gift. Judging by this lady’s face, this is not a gag. The cats even look like they’re praying. Weird.

Vintage Rabbit Ribbon Holder by shavingkitsupplies. This thing looks like something out of Alice and Wonderland, doesn’t it? It’s got this weird sweet-creepy vibe. When you first look at it, it’s almost cute, but then the hole in its face starts to mess with your brain. There’s a rumor that Candy Spelling, former wife of director Aaron Spelling has three of these things, but Google hasn’t come through for me in the confirmation department. Really, three?

..

That’s all for August. If you come across any weird finds, send them to me. There’s nothing quite like sharing creepy stuff.

Sleep tight!

love, allison

dear etsy : july edition

Dear Etsy,

It’s been one month since my last correspondence to you, and one month since I promised to deliver an edition that wasn’t filled with flowers, whimsy or tulle. Did you find my last letter charming? If you did, I must’ve missed the gifts you sent. Perhaps they got lost in the mail; I am in Carolina now. Hmph.

Regardless, I’m committed to give you (and my three fans) a monthly update of things I’m loving about you. It’s time again. Here goes; July is man-style. Pump up the testosterone.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, screams male like a mounted head of a formerly alive animal/object/monster/weird thing. (And while I’m overusing the word nothing, I’ll say this: absolutely nothing can prepare you for the creepy search results of “taxidermy.”) I finally stumbled upon the art from the fine folks of The Steel Fork. Aside from looking like he has flames for ears, their Recycled Farm Equipment Moose is man-tastic. Nice shot.

Etched Mustache Rocks Glass Set. Grab a few friends, host a man-night, and hang out with these guys in your hands. Resign yourself to the fact that only serious conversations will happen while precariously perching these fine ‘staches up against your lips. Embrace the masculinity. Imagine that you’re Tom Selleck, Hulk Hogan, or Dr. Phil. If facial hair really isn’t your thing, Jackglass Studios also makes other manly things. Like a monogrammed picnic set.

If the man cave needs some sprucing up (wow, no pun originally intended), consider the Winter Tree vinyl wall decal by Wow Wall. It’s the perfect decorating compromise: cool meets non-girly, stylish meets simple. The price tag’s not bad either. It’s infinitely cheaper than the therapy you’d need if your basement looked like this. Buy the tree.

Cowboy buckles are for ranchers. Compasses are for Boy Scouts. Vintage Compass Belt Buckles are for  artsy guys who need to make sure their skinny jeans won’t migrate south. Bmused Arete has more buckles than any male should be proud to own, emblazoned with everything from birds and bridges to bingo and bumblebees. Clever belts deserved clever alliteration. You’re welcome.

For the little dude in your life, check out the Knotty Legs and Business Suit. It totally won’t be hard to convince people that your kid has an X and a Y chromosome when he’s wearing a tie with his leg warmers. If you can’t stand the pretentiousness of argyle, have no fear. Knotty Baby Wear can outfit your chubster in a skull and crossbones business suit instead. That’s right, stick it to the man.

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Love, Allison

dear etsy : june edition

Dear Etsy,

Do you realize that I’m in love with you? As in, madly, truly and deeply in love with the troves of handmade goodies you feature faithfully day by day? It’s just a hunch, but I’m sure you’re in love with me too. That’s why every few seconds you upload new treasures and feature them on your homepage, like little scrolling gems for my eyes to drink in. I’m certain you display each of these beautiful, bright, adorable can’t-live-without things JUST FOR ME! Listen, Etsy. When you decide to publicly admit your affection, do me a favor and send me some goodies. I’d melt.

love, allison

In honor of all of the things I’m falling for at this moment, also known as “eyeing, not buying,” I’ve decided to, from time to time, share them with my blog fans. (Thanks to all two of you; you know who you are).

Without further ado, here’s my June “I love Etsy” edition:

Which Goose: Could these hair accessories be any more charming? I’m smitten with flowers this season, especially ones that fit over messy curls and make them look beautifully imperfect. My favorite? Avignon in Magenta. Can’t you imagine how pretty this would look if worn to an afternoon wedding or party?

Bag One Bag Shop: Every girl likes purses, and I happen to keep wistfully peeking at this shop’s handmade bags in fun prints, priced so everyone can enjoy. I keep dreaming about the tiny Janbag Wristlet in cream and lime, even though I’m an oversized bag kind of girl. Guess I should learn to downsize. What to lose, my full-size hand sanitizer or eighteen chapsticks?

Sarah Seven: Ohhh, these are beautiful dresses. As in exquisite. I can sew, but this kind of sewing is art, and the fabrics are serious eye candy. Wouldn’t you just die if you slipped on one of these pieces, especially the appropriately named Love Story gown? Hello, Romeo! But, here’s what I most admire about Sarah Seven: 3% of sales go to Compassion International to feed unsponsored children around the world and 2% of sales go to International Justice Mission to help free slaves and hold slave-keepers worldwide accountable. There are fewer things closer to my heart; God loves the fatherless, the poor, the widow, and the enslaved. Sarah Seven and I do too. Do me a favor and go in with a few friends who happen to wear the same size as you, and buy one! Or two.

Honey Tree: I have a place deep within me that cannot forget the sights and smells of Paris. Maybe it was the cobblestone streets. Maybe it was the chocolate pastries. Or perhaps it was the fresh flowers of street vendors, outdoor cafes, roaming musicians, sights from the top of the Eiffel Tower, old architecture, or napping under a shade tree beside the Seine River. Whatever it was, La Poule Blanche, seems to capture some of the memories I love most about the city of love, even if the photograph is entitled  “The White Hen.”

Brookish: Lazy Saturday mornings are only made better by drinking a cup of tea (little sugar, little milk), while wearing cozy jammies. Wouldn’t this mug be a lovely addition to that perfect morning? Just imagine: You. Propped up on fluffy pillows. Sipping slowly. Reading uninterrupted. No where to go. Birds chirping in the morning sun. Jane Austen’s words staring at you from your hot cup on the nightstand. Makes me want to find my copy of Pride & Prejudice.

That’s all for now. I promise the next Etsy edition won’t be so… flowery. I’ll work on a new gallery of sellers and photos that will inspire those of you that are less whimsical. When you do make a visit to Etsy, make sure you mention how much I love her. If she wants to send me freebies, samples, or stock items, I’d humbly accept them, of course. And, in case said generous sellers wonder…

Shoe size: seven

Ring size: seven

Hat size: seven?

Shirt size: seven… er, small

Pants size: varies by day.

And number of cookies I eat.

Chai, not coffee

Cupcakes, not candy

love, allison